Delusions of a Girl
by HisGodGivenSolace
Summary: The Dirary/inner thoughts of a young wife and mother as she deals with a possesive 'abusive' husband, an ex-Navy SEAL.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi all, another new story, I know. Though this particular one is very different than my others, it is written by an unnamed (so far) woman. Each chapter will be a snippet of her inner turmoil. This just came to me one day and I just had to write it down, I was honestly not planning on making this a story but I thought it needed to be out there.**

**This is unbeta'd and all thoughts and words belong exclusively to me.**

**Summary: A drabble-ish fic written as a journal/ inner thoughts of an 'abused' neglected wife. **

**Warnings: May contain content not suitable for minors, hints of abuse and angst. NO guarantees on updates or length of this fic.**

**Read and Review please!**

He swept me off my feet; he made me fall in love with him. He married me, and then he slowly began his destruction. It was subtle, at first I didn't recognize what he was doing until it was far too late, and even then I loved him. Then he gave me the twins we, me and him made those two perfect angels. To this day I never understood how something so pure come from something so evil.

**So short and simple, these chapters will act like a diary entry for this young wife and mother. I hope you want more.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to those who reviewed/ alerted etc. it means so much. **

**These entries are in no particular order, they are just updated in the order I wrote them. Please, please, please review!**

Even with all his faults towards me, he had one redeeming quality. He was an amazing father. There's something I've always found incredibly sexy about a man with his children I think he knew this somehow and used it. Please do not misunderstand, I truly believe that he loves his children he just loved his control too. I am a naturally submissive person. It pleased me to please him, anyone really, I loved making him happy and he used that. I think it took me so long to realize the true nature of our relationship because while not 'normal' bar far, our relationship was not the stereotypical abusive relationship. There were fights and give and take from both of us.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews and follows I appreciate them so much, but I'd like more because I'm greedy. **

"_No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality" –Shirley Jackson_

He is a naturally possessive man, something I initially found sexy about him, I'd always fantasized about a man that loves me so much to be jealous and possessive, only it wasn't love, and it wasn't a case of reality is better that dreams. No, just the opposite in fact. My Dreams were far better than my reality. And I was no longer some young girl dreaming about a prince charming, there'd surely be no knight in shining armor on a white horse that'd come sweeping in. For now I was older I knew the true corrupted fairy tales, and the happy endings were just trading one nightmare for another. Just as I did.


	4. Chapter 4

There were moments, snippets of time when the storms were fewer and farther in-between, where the calm before the storms seemed as if it could last forever.

Those were the best times, they could also be some of the worst; if I let myself become comfortable, unguarded. I could sometimes fool myself into believing that the happiness and laughter could last forever.

Then it all ended, the storm came and suddenly I was balancing two toddlers and a newborn, his excitement about being a new father again clouded by his anger over my lack of attention towards him and the mounting pressure he faced at work.

Thankfully, or not, his pride, his morals even wouldn't let him seek out companionship, release, from somewhere else. Others, lesser women would've been eternally grateful if he had, but despite it all, I loved him. He was _my _husband and I was _his_ wife.


	5. Chapter 5

He was strong and passionate, nothing could ever compare to his touch, even when I didn't particularly wish for it.

He could set me on fire, make me crave him even on days I felt allergic to him. I never understood how he could be so gentle and slow, but with equal passion. I suppose we were just like any other couple in that respect but we felt like so much more.

I never knew another but him; he was my only reference point. How could you not want something when it was the only thing you knew?

But, I knew better of course, I saw what real marriages looked like every day but then I was always an outside observer, never quite understanding how they could possibly be so perfect. And then I realized that they were us, we made our relationship look envious; I often heard people remark how they wish they had what we had. So I figured all those perfect relationships were as much a sham as ours was.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I am so grateful to the reviews I get, I cherish them so much. However, I am a selfish person and would love more! **

**All Warnings and Disclaimers remain the same**.

I always loved that he only showed his 'sensitive' side to me, to the kids.

To the outside world he was always this serious, focused man. Of course he was funny and charming also but he always had his guard up, I suppose the death of his parents and the abandonment he felt contributed to that, and the years spent in the Navy and as a SEAL was responsible for that.

He is so proud of his service, as am I. However he is proud of what the SEALs made him into, a cold, hardened man.

Someone who could turn off his emotions with just a snap of his fingers. I am proud of his devotion to something, I am proud of him.

Being a SEAL is all he knows, it makes him happy.

And that, that makes me happy.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hi y'all, I hope all of y'all Americans had a great Thanksgiving! I know it's been awhile since I've updated but life has been crazy lately. My Mom had double bypass (open heart surgery) to literally bypass two blocked arteries in her heart. On the table she crashed twice because of an unknown reaction to medicine they gave her to thicken her blood back after the bypass was completed. Later that night after she was put into ICU she was bleeding more than normal so they rushed her back into surgery to fix that. Then came hurricane Sandy, I live in a coastal town in Maryland which floods with high tide so we had it pretty bad. Thank the Lord though that my family was extremely lucky. My Mom is doing much better now, a miracle really. Now onto the chapter. **

The power the military, the Navy gave him was supposed to be used for the better good, of what, I am not sure. The better good of the U.S. Navy? Yes, the country? Absolutely. Of the families of those he killed? Not even close. Looking at it now I realize nothing was that simple. Everything was subjective and I would drive myself crazy if I continued dissecting the complexities of it all.

He was like a chameleon; he had a persona for every possible situation. He fooled everyone so good; he made them believe that those masks were real. He fooled me.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas…Not really, it's been unseasonably warm where I live like 60 degrees in Maryland one day, in December Crazy! But the tree is up and presents are wrapped. I absolutely love Christmas time… So Merry Christmas & Seasons Greetings to those celebrating other holidays.

Enjoy this update

Unbeta'd

Sometimes I feel as if I should be ashamed that my biggest fear is in fact, not his temper, but his possible infidelity.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that he wouldn't entertain an affair. But I can't control the what ifs.

What if he just left me for someone else; left us?

What if he loses all rationality of himself and further becomes someone he doesn't recognize, someone I don't recognize?

I think that is what scares me most. I don't know who I am without him, I've never existed without my husband, he's always been there looming in the distance figuratively and literally when he's been deployed, which is so bittersweet.

My heart literally aches when he's gone; I live with bated breath for his emails and the second long phone calls.

A rushed _I love you…I'll see you soon…I'm coming home_

The ache dulls minutely.


End file.
